This is Matt's grandfather, Charlie. Charlie passed away yesterday morning at his home in Arizona. He was diagnosed with cancer just before my mom passed away. Matt and I are both so grateful that we were able to visit him last weekend. I don't remember anything about my own grandfathers, so it has been really wonderful for me to have Charlie these last several years. He had such a long and full life - and was so loved by so many. For my part, I will miss him dearly.
My understanding is that since his diagnosis a few months ago, the prayer below brought him a great deal of comfort:
"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone." (Thomas Merton)
It seems like it's been forever since the wedding.
Matt and I got married on March 19, 2011. I know it's cliche, but it was truly the happiest day of my life. It was the first time (and maybe the last) that everyone that I love and care about most were in the same place, at the same time. I have never felt such overwhelming love and happiness around me. And while there were a few folks that were unable to attend, I was so amazed at how many people traveled from all over the world to share our day with us. We had 3 days of family, fun and new beginnings.
So many things have happened since the wedding. When I look at the timeline, I'm amazed that we've survived. Two days before our wedding, I lost my job (my company disintegrated...wahoo!). Thankfully, we saw that one coming - which meant that I was able to find a new one - and I was able to pack up my office and client files (all 150 boxes) before we left for our honeymoon. But the downside was that it added an inordinate amount of stress in the days leading up to the wedding.
After the wedding, we had an amazing honeymoon in England for 2 weeks (don't worry, I'll eventually post about the wedding AND honeymoon) and returned home to get settled in before I started my new job.
The following few weeks unfolded in a way that has left me feeling shell-shocked (still...). A few days after we got home, my mom ended up in the hospital - the cancer had spread to her heart. Her doctor (who knew how adamant she was about avoiding treatments that were more likely to cause harm than to cure the cancer), suggested that she may not want to pursue the treatments that *might* have relieved the problem. She decided NOT to pursue treatment and was advised that she had, perhaps, 3 months left.
Talk about a reality check. Two days after starting my new job.
So, I attempted to get as much work out of the way as possible so that I could get enough flexibility in my schedule to spend plenty of time with my mom.
This would have been a good plan, except that 2 weeks in, her cancer progressed exponentially. One day she looked and felt fine and, literally, 2 days later, she was gone.
My mom passed away on May 4 in the wee hours of the morning. It was exactly 13 years after her mother passed away (well, not EXACTLY...grandma passed on May 3).
I didn't get to say goodbye.
I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for it. Ever.
I was there when she passed, but by the time Matt and I arrived, she was so incoherent, I'm not sure she knew we were there (I think she knew...I hope she knew...).
I know many people who have lost a dear relative and have said that being with them at the moment they passed was beautiful and dear. I don't know what's wrong with me, but frankly, it was the worst experience of my life. Nothing has ever scared me that much...I still have nightmares about it. It's an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. But maybe I'm just weaker than most. Who knows.
I sat with her and told her I loved her, stroked her hand and her hair....but I also hid. I hid in the living room so that I wouldn't have to see her or hear her. I'm so ashamed of that.
When my mom was first admitted to the hospital in March of 2010, she and my stepdad finally got "a song" - you know...like "they're playing our song." They never had one. But in the many trips my stepdad had between the hospital and home, he kept hearing the same song on the radio. Eventually, he shared it with my mom and after that, it became an anthem for them. It was their song.
During one of my weak moments on the night of her death, while I was hiding in the living room, I could hear my stepdad playing the song to her. I'm so glad she got to hear it and that they were able to share that moment in the minutes before she passed.
I listen to that song almost every day. It still makes me cry. But, it makes me feel connected to her, too. And I'm glad it still makes me cry. I don't want to be "over it" yet - I don't feel like there is any value to "getting over" my mom. I hope I never "get over" her. I'm glad my heart still aches when I see photos of her. I'm glad that I loved her enough that I am still struggling with this.
And while I am so amazingly grateful that she is no longer in pain, I still selfishly wish that she was here. I was sure that the months after our wedding would be the happiest of my life - and I was so sure I'd be able to share that joy and happiness with her.
I suppose we are still sharing things with her...differently than before, but still sharing.
In any case, I haven't posted for quite some time. I think I've been hesitant to acknowledge everything that has happened between then and now.
But it's Life. And I'm grateful for all of it - the happy and sad, the beautiful and the "scary." And I'm hopeful that time will heal these wounds. I'm hopeful that whatever choices I make and whatever my life looks like, my mom would be proud.
Sooooo, to wrap up this hiiiighly depressing and dramatic post, I leave you with Mom & Gary's song.
I think I got a job! I haven't signed the papers yet, but I think it's a real offer. Better benefits, more vacation, working with the same people (people that are AWESOME)...
Sigh of relief.
Now I can relax and enjoy these last few days before getting married. YAY!
(completely irrelevant photo...it has nothing to do with this post...except
that this is the guy I get to marry. Whoa. How did I get so lucky?)
In addition to the normal "crazy" in life, the past couple of weeks (continuing into the next couple as well) have added some new fun things to think about:
Umm...I need a job. Apparently my company is going under. It's mayhem.
I have TWO reports due next week - usually I have 2 reports every 9 to12 months. So this is big. Huge.
I am 13 days from my wedding and 15 days from my honeymoon. Holy crap.
Since I will probably be on my honeymoon when my company implodes, I have to pack up my whole office before I leave. Oh, and an entire "library" of client files. Picture me, a roll of tape and 50+ boxes. Bahh.
So the bad news is that in addition to my wedding, I've got TONS of work-related nonsense to fret over.
The good news is that it will all be over soon. 13 days from now, I marry Matt. Happiest day of my life, right? Right. So I'm hoping that by the time the 19th rolls around, the other hubub will be over and I'll be ready to relax and enjoy our big day with family and friends. And I'm sure that by the time we get back from our honeymoon, I'll have a new job waiting for me.
And then life will go on. No more wedding planning. No more worrying about my paycheck bouncing. Just life.
I can't begin to express how excited I am to just get back to normal life again. But this time, with my husband.
Another new year. I feel the same way I did last January 1: I feel like last year combined the worst moments I've ever had (mom's cancer) and the best (getting engaged).
Overall, I think it was a good year. It was a year we got better at NOT taking anything for granted. It was a year that we were more excited about our future than we were scared about it. It was a year with LOTS of family.
I barely posted at all during 2010 and I can't pretend I'll be any better in 2011...at least until AFTER the wedding (and honeymoon)!
Thanks to all of you for the support last year. From comments on the blog to encouraging emails, phone calls and texts - I (we) couldn't have done it without you. I am so grateful to have all of you in my world.
I'm excited (and a little anxious) to see what 2011 holds for us. I'm sure it will be a good year - I LOVE odd numbered years. Plus I'll be a Hennessy soon.
Cheers to new beginnings!!
sweet photo, right? credit goes to our super awesome friends Danielle and Jared over at SidebySide Photography
YAY!!! Dare I say it: FINALLY!!! After 5 and a half years, my handsome man decided he was ready :) Lucky for me, he was totally worth the wait...every minute of it.
I am so excited and I think Matt is as well. Hopefully I will have the time sometime soon to post more! Sorry to be so slow to get this info around to folks - I'm sure you could have guessed that I'm trying to avoid this becoming a topic on Facebook - but of course I wanted to share it with those few of you that I share my real life with here on this blog.
Before I get going, I realized that in my last post, I said March 14, 2009 - I meant 2010 - it's only been a month and a half....not a year PLUS a month and a half. This is all still pretty new for us. But since the new year, I've never actually switched over to writing "2010" properly...it's May...hopefully I get it figured out some time soon.
Okay...so why am I a happy lady today? I have no flippin' idea. But I'm gonna go with it.
Last week had more bad days than usual...I'm not sure why - nothing bad happened - I was just down. I didn't do a great job of dealing with work stress and that made all the other stuff harder to deal with, too. I'm finding that I have to be pretty proactive about not getting too "down" about life...or it can get out of hand. Last week I sucked at that. Hopefully next week I will do better.
BUT...today has been great. I finished an accounting exam this morning and have spent the rest of the day working on projects, snuggling dogs, watching basketball and now (my favorite), watching the History Channel.
Reasons why I feel lucky today:
Matt - he makes life so much better than it would be without him. There are a million reasons why, but today it's because he has had me laughing almost non-stop.
My mom and Gary sound like they had an awesome day the other day...they went to the beach, had a lunch date...it reminds me that you can still have super fun days and good times even while you have lots of other nonsense on your mind...like cancer.
I asked my dad to come stay with us in early June - he sounded really excited - it made me excited too.
The dogs. They just can't get enough of my lap (or Matt's) - it always makes me feel loved!
Life - today has been great - but it's been pretty average - between my test, cleaning my bathroom, making some lemon curd, sewing some curtains, and watching some good, old fashioned TV - today reminded me that normal is good.
So there it is - a good day. And looking forward to a good one tomorrow as well.
On another note, my mom goes in on Monday to see if the radiosurgery on her brain has done any good - I'm nervous and excited to hear about how it is going and what the next steps are - I'm a girl who likes a plan :) Please keep her (and her brain) in your thoughts and prayers!
Okay, maybe it's more like a theme in my life right now. Am I the only one that feels like I'm seeing more and more people being diagnosed with cancer these days? Is that just part of getting older? Not. Fun.
So I haven't really posted for a while and one of the reasons is that I'm not really sure what to write. Or how to write it. Or how to avoid sounding overly dramatic without avoiding reality.
Here goes (for those lucky few that don't already know the story):
Sunday March 14, 2009 I got a call from my stepdad at just about 8am. I was laying in bed, reading a book. He started the call in the most careful way that he could "Don't worry, everything is okay, but we're at the hospital." What followed was an explanation of the events of that morning...he had rushed my mom to the hospital after thinking she had possibly just had a stroke (I think it turned out to be a seizure). She had a CAT scan that indicated a few masses on her brain.
After more scans of various types, biopsies and all of that medical stuff, we got news that still seems impossible to me. My mom was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer that had spread to her brain and lymph nodes (and just the other day, we found out it is in her liver as well). My mom is not a smoker -- she is vegetarian, all-organic (and has been for as long as I can remember), and active. She didn't have ANY symptoms...not even a cough. How could this possibly be true?
I still feel like I'm fumbling around stupidly. I still don't know what to do or say. I still don't know how to feel. My usual inclination would be to expect the worst and hope to be surprised. But in this case, I feel like "expecting the worst" is too close to "giving up" - and I don't think any of us are ready to give up.
She's 54, for Pete's sake!
On any given day, I either feel totally positive about it...or totally depressed and overwhelmed by it. I haven't found the middle ground yet.
Some days, all I can think about is how I might deal with life without her. Those days involve lots of fear, tears, anxiety, depression, sadness, frustration...
But it has all been tempered by the moments when I know that this experience has also allowed me to feel overwhelming love and kindness from the most unexpected places, hope like I have never had before, gratitude that is damn near infinite...
We are lucky to have so many people thinking of us and praying for us - they send kind words, thoughts and messages. I have not had the time or strength to properly thank everyone - but it has meant the world to all of us.
Whether you are someone who prays, sends happy thoughts, or whatever, below are the things I think we need help with at this very moment:
The doctors (particularly my mom's incredible oncologist) to have the wisdom to determine the best treatments that make the most sense for my mom
My Mom, to have the strength and desire to fight this until it is gone
My Stepdad, to have the strength to keep her going and to be what she needs - but to know that there are a boatload of folks just a phone call away to help him carry the weight of all this
Me, to not despair and to have the good judgement to know how best to help Mom and Gary
The rest of the family, to know how best to help...because I know that is the thing I'm struggling most with...and I'm sure I'm not the only one
For all of us to be comfortable with the fact that aside from maintaining positive attitudes and properly supporting one another through all of this, we are not in the drivers seat on this one. We need to learn to live KNOWING that we do not have control...and to learn to focus on the things that we CAN control...like loving, supporting and appreciating one another.
I'm sure I will think of more things, but for now, I think those are the big ones.
My mom has made a big point, so far, of making sure that my brother, stepdad, and I know that we don't have to be strong all the time -- that it's okay to be weak. I've had a hard time with this idea of "weakness" and I think I've figured out why:
I don't think that being scared and being weak are the same thing. I think it takes a lot of guts to be scared and to admit that you feel lost. I think you have to let yourself feel those things...and that real "weakness" is to ignore them and pretend that everything is fine. Because the reality is that it's not fine. My amazing Mom has flipping cancer for Pete's sake! She looks fine and feels fine, but is still going though this horrible thing they call cancer. What the heck?! Did I miss something? Am I the only one still confused by this?
Okay, so enough of this post - I have been struggling with how to put it out here and now I've done it!
To all of you who have done things big and small for us over the last few weeks, it has not gone unnoticed. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
